I hesitate to publicise much written in Australia’s TheAge.com.au ever since it decided it would go full tabloid and drop the “real, serious news” format in order to sell more papers. But after having this shared with me on Facebook, the controversy is there and it’s worth Intentious’ time.
Back in October 2012 we wrote about showing respect to those who admit they regret having children, a story that has proved itself a mainstay of controversial debate and discussion over the past six months and more. If you haven’t yet read it, I urge you to check it out here. It investigates how choosing to be a parent is an equally selfish decision for a whole plethora of reasons.
Now, The Age’s Wendy Squires has a nice solid go at parents who dare to patronise a woman who remains childless.
Below is a small excerpt. You can read the full piece here.
In your face, pro-creators.
There are two words for the woman who reached over the table, grabbed my hand and in a consolatory tone announced, ”It’s a tragedy you never got around to having children. It’s the most wonderful thing a woman can do.”
Those words are ”shut” and ”up” (the printable response) or, more charitably, ”think” and ”first”. Because it doesn’t take Freud to work out this statement was patronising, assumptive and just plain insensitive.
The would-be Buddhist in me told me these were her issues. This woman was jealous that I exist happily without children. The thought of a life without being a mother is too dark for her to contemplate. She couldn’t cope without ticking that box and believes I should feel the same. She was projecting her own issues on me, transferring her pain.
But I still wanted to thump her. Hard. Not just for me, but for all childless women. I’m talking about sisters on IVF; the ones who can’t carry to term; those who’ve suffered stillbirth or the loss of a child; the infertile; those with infertile partners; the ones hoping and waiting on a committed relationship; the ambivalent; the never intended to and don’t feel the need to justify the fact.
Most of the childless women I know do find peace with their circumstances, even if it takes some time. Until, that is, someone comes along and demands their curiosity itch be scratched as to why no kids or, worse, declares you emotionally or spiritually unfulfilled with uncalled for comments such as the one I endured.
I believe children are a gift and not a given in life, and those who receive should be grateful. They should not be offering from on high ”Oh, it is such a pity”, ”a tragedy”, ”you would have loved it”, consolations to those without – even if well intended. People need to stop and think what they are really saying to another with ”you don’t know love until you have a child”, ”I wasn’t complete until I had kids”, ”you are nothing without family” or the deplorable ”don’t you like children?”
